Standing Out From the Dutch Crowd, British Style
Guest post by Amanda van Mulligen October 2012
I have three little boys who have both Dutch and British nationality. We live in the Netherlands, the birth country of my husband and our children but not mine. Up until the year 2000 England was my home. Up until that time I could not have imagined I would swap my British life for a Dutch one. I never dreamed I would marry a Dutchman and have three little boys. Three little Dutch boys if we’re going to be totally honest.
Although they share my nationality on paper, the reality is that they are far more Dutch than British. However, as Dutch boys they stand out from the crowd. They are differentiated from other little Dutch boys by virtue of their English mother.
At age five my eldest son speaks good enough English to communicate with my family. My two-year-old mixes his sentences using both Dutch and English, just like his elder brother did and my one year old will. In the case of my eldest, his English is tinged with a Dutch accent, but nevertheless he speaks two languages, which is a notable achievement within his peer group.
My sons’ bookshelves are lined with English books that translate “Nijntje” to “Miffy” and which teach them English nursery rhymes that other two-year-old Dutch boys don’t yet know. The English books sit proudly intermingled with the Dutch version of The Gruffalo and Elmer the Elephant. It’s the norm in our house, but not in many other regular Dutch households.
My boys eat HP Brown Sauce with their dinner, and don’t flinch when I add Heinz Baked Beans to their plate. They eat Weetabix and Shredded Wheat for breakfast whilst other Dutch boys their age kick the day off with bread and sprinkles.
They happily watch In The Night Garden and Waybuloo in the original language, and knew about these BBC kid’s programs long before Makka Pakka got his big break into Dutch television. CBeeBies is a fact of life in our dual language household but most other Dutch children have never heard of CBeeBies.
Every other week in school, my son’s class has a walk-in games morning. It means parents stay behind at drop off time and play board games with the kids for half an hour. The children can take in any games they like from home. One week my son chose Snakes and Ladders. Unheard of in the Netherlands, yet one of the most common and standard children’s board games in Britain. His teacher was fascinated by this little input of British culture into her Dutch classroom.
For my three little Dutch boys English books, English language TV, British board games and British food are a part of their normal life. They don’t blink an eye at these items in their home. For their friends they are novelties, unknown and incomprehensible. My three little boys may well be more Dutch than British, but they certainly stand out in a Dutch crowd.
Amanda van Mulligen is a mother, writer (www.thewritingwell.eu) and expat. In that order. She is British born but has called the Netherlands home since 2000. She is ‘mama’ to three boys aged five and under. She blogs about expat life (A Letter from the Netherlands ) and writes about the challenges and joys of motherhood abroad with her newest blog “Expat Life with a Double Buggy”.
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This is so very interesting to me! I often wonder what it would be like for my husband if we lived in the USA. Your story about Snakes and Ladders struck me. Here, when I try and introduce things that are American (to people other than my own family), they are not as accepted and my children are shy about introducing these things to their friends or in school. And people just think it’s weird. The British are very set in their ways I think! Perhaps you’ve noticed that since you’ve lived in the Netherlands? Despite Britain being so multicultural, there is definitely a British way of doing things.
I love the last line that you wrote. Thank you for your guest blog post.
Meg, you certainly are very spot on about the British, aka Right way of doing things. My American-Bulgarian daughter already received her first honours award at British school, yet not a
single party invitation. Snobby much?
HI Elitsa,
firstly, congratulations to your daughter on her honors award!
Secondly, don’t get too discouraged – it takes time (LOTS of time). Your daughter is the new girl and you are the new mum ‘in town’ and it can take a while for people to get to know you. I used to instigate get togethers all the time when I first had my children in order to meet people and other mothers. I found that a lot of people didn’t care about getting to know me so I wasted time and effort. Did you read my blog post about “You must come over for coffee” – that’s all about getting to know people here and how different the social etiquette is here. Why don’t you ask your daughter who she wants to be friends with from school and then send in a note for her to give to them with and invitation to come over after school (put a date on it!) and your number on it so their parents can reply to you. I found that I had to be the one to be assertive, otherwise, people just didn’t make the effort.
Hey Meg, that sounds great. Jane speaks of two new friends, I would like to meet them, too. I know it takes time, as with any change in life, to settle into it and move on. My comment about snobbishness was more snarky than the situations warrants. I was being prococative on purpose, because, like you, I do see a difference in the way Americans make an effort to get to know new people around them vs. Brits who don’t, and was wondering (though not believing) it was personal.
Yes! I do know exactly how you feel. I took it personally for years. I also thought something was wrong with me and that I constantly made mistakes. I still do make mistakes and read situations wrongly but i am more used to it. I think it’s hard NOT to take it personally actually. But don’t take it too much to heart, just be yourself and things will work out for you and your daughter. And don’t forget that you are not alone! Just yesterday I tried to talk to one of my neighbours who has lived a few houses away from us for over 6 years and she acted like she had NO idea who I was and it was clear she did not want to talk to me!
Great post. I wonder Amanda, do your boys feel more Dutch or British? I guess having a Dutch father and living in Holland they feel more Dutch?
We’ve lived in France for 8 years, and I asked my 3 youngest children aged 10, 7 and 4 if they felt more English or French. They all looked at me as if I was mad – English of course!
Hi Nikki, great question – I’ll ask Amanda to reply to this. I wonder, is their father British or French? If British, perhaps that’s one of the reasons they felt more English while living in France. Many of the parents I interviewed for Bringing Up Brits (where one of the parents was British) said their children felt more English, but the parents who were both non-British living in Britain, said their children didn’t necessarily feel English. They were unsure. Mine definitely feel British and only a tiny bit American. They were born here and their father is British and all their extended family that they see regularly are British.
Hi Nikki,
They definitely feel Dutch. They are not in Britain enough to identify with being British. If I say they are also British (ie have that nationality too) my eldest looks at me like I have two heads. He says with a big smile “No, we’re Dutch. You’re English.” Sums it up I think. Dutch father, Dutch friends, Dutch school, Dutch family….. Dutch with a hint of Britishness 🙂
Thanks Amanada for your reply. And I also wanted to say that I have met some wonderful people here in Britain and made some very good friends over the years!
Hi, Meg, I really enjoy reading your blog!
I am a British/American woman who moved back to England in Sept 2011 after most of a lifetime in America in order to give my girls, ages 8 and 16, a taste of England. My parents are from the same village in the Peak District of Derbyshire, and I have been trying to get back all my life.
I’d love it if you’d take a look at my blog, The Year of Living Englishly, especially the “About The Year of Living Englishly,” which explains everything. Here’s a link to the first post which is about when we arrived at Heathrow and almost got sent back on the next plane to Boston.
http://theyearoflivingenglishly.wordpress.com/2011/09/10/sept-10-2011-heathrow/
Best wishes, Virginia Smith
Hi Virginia,
I read your blog post. Wow. What a story. I left a comment on your blog but then it wouldn’t allow me to log in. Basically I asked you to write a guest blog post for me if you’d like to? On how your children assimilated into British life and culture. And what about you? Must have been real culture shock. Would love to hear more about your experiences, especially from your children’s point of view as well. Look forward to hearing from you. Email me on
Hi to all, how is the whole thing, I think every one is getting more from this site, and your views are good in support of
new viewers.
Great post, as an American and Dutch couple living in England our lives look very similar, although perhaps with a little extra thrown in. Our daughter seems more and more British the longer she is in school, but neither of us have the words, the accent, the random nursery rhymes that she does.
Still, she does eat chocolate sprinkles on her bread for breakfast (and sometimes lunch) but at the weekend we may have British or American breakfast as well. Honestly, I think my daughter thinks that America is some third world country where they don’t speak English right and the Netherlands is a fantastic place because her Beppe & Pake live there.
England is her home though, so it always wins.
Thanks for your comment Jessica. I find it so interesting about your daughter thinking America is a third world country. My kids think the opposite! They think it’s way advanced than the UK or any European country and apart from thinking everyone is fat and has a gun, they really love it. But yes, of course, because we live here, Britain is our winner too (for now!).
Three different cultures makes for a very rich childhood! Love the image of her seeming more and more British 🙂 – and school has a way of ‘localising’ a child like nothing else. I spoke English to my children at children when they were little, my husband Dutch to them. As I was home more with them they were quite the little English boys – until school. Now they are Dutch through and through – with a tinge of Britishness about them. Migh be quite nice to have a go at writing an updated version of this article as it’s been 18 months to see if things are different – and how…..
Yes Amanda please do!! Should be really interesting to see if there are any differences.
This resonated with me. I am Dutch/Irish and although my mother naturalised Irish I spent most of my early years in the Netherlands or abroad but brought up by my culturally Dutch mother. When we moved to UK I had the exact situation your boys do in reverse. I also lived in Norway when I was very young, I thought the Netherlands was so advanced and Ireland so quaint (no Haagelslag(sprinkles). My only exposure to UK before moving there was Jane Austen type tv serials. I thought people would drive coach and horses and wear long dresses. I was amazed it was just like the Netherlands.
Oh, I love that idea – of coach and horses and long dresses. A little Downton Abbey like 🙂 Yes, in the end the Netherlands and the UK are not worlds apart – the main difference being the language of course, and a few little quirks that can still lead to a huge culture shock! 🙂