Daniela’s story

Whilst writing Bringing Up Brits, I came in contact with many expat parents who are raising their children here in Britain and i heard many of their stories. I am still receiving stories from parents and I wanted to share this one with you. I think it is important to raise awareness and also to offer a support line for parents who might feel lonely, isolated, unsupported by sharing these stories so people don’t feel alone – to show that they are by far NOT the only ones who have these feelings. A British mother who read Bringing Up Brits says,

“Very very interesting. Even though not directly relevent to me it made me much more aware of how my 2 close friends from Kansas & the Phillipines must find it to be living here and the things they must find frustrating.” – Lucy, British mother

I think we just carry on with life no matter what, but these are emotions that we may have in common at varying degrees. This story touched me and made me realise there are other parents out there who also struggle to fit in and to make friends. Also made me feel thankful for my own family and my British husband who tries very hard to support me.

Please, if you have a story to share, .

Daniela, a German expat mother of two.

My story is that I came over to England from Germany at 18 years old to
learn English and I married my british boyfriend. We have 2 children,
aged 7 and 10. Unfortunately the marriage didn’t work out for various
reasons, even though we managed to be married for nearly 20 years, but
one of the reasons for the split was the emotional issues that came
with being a foreigner and not having the support network of family and
friends after the birth of my sons.

It was difficult for him to understand how I felt, even though he
always encouraged me to go home to visit my family and didn’t mind
taking care of the children for a few days while I was visiting,
however this didn’t really help me in everyday life here in Britain. I
made friends initially after the birth of my sons, but soon found that
being accepted was hard because I was different and the other mums
didn’t understand how it feels to be foreign and not really knowing the
rules etc…something they took for granted , and also having family
members (usually their mum) supporting them.

I have found the experience of being a foreign mum very lonely indeed,
and it has been harder than for the average person. I have not really
found anyone who truly understands, or has at least cared enough to TRY
and understand how it feels. A lot of people could have made a huge
difference to my life by choosing to make the effort with me, but
unfortunately it didn’t happen for various reasons and it has
contributed to the breakdown of my marriage, because I got very
depressed indeed. I am not blaming anyone, nobody did this out of
malice, but more out of ignorance and maybe prejudice, perhaps?!

I was judged a lot, without anyone truly talking to me and trying to
find out about my feelings and experiences and I wasn’t really fully
aware of what was happening to me, I didn’t really understand it
either, it just made me very sad and depressed, which of course
affected my marriage and made it not a very happy one, because I wasn’t
happy.

It has taken a lot of effort to try and understand this culture and its
people, too. We are all different and unique of course, but I suppose I
stand out particularly and I have found a lot of people who refused to
accept me and often misunderstood and judged me.

I don’t mean to sound negative, but these are the experiences I have
had in general, however I have managed to find friends now, and they
are my support network and like me for who I am regardless from where I
am from or how I conduct myself (I am a nice person , so that is what
they would find out if they made the effort to get to know me, I
approach people in a friendly and open manner, I care and try to be a
good friend).

I do love living in Britain, it is a beautiful country and the people
are generally polite and friendly, somewhat reserved at times but that
is just how they are.

I have been here 20 years and am almost a native! Living in another country
has brought many advantages, it has made me a  more tolerant and open person,
more confident and proud of myself.

Even though we are divorced, my exhusband is still very much part of my
children’s lives and we share custody, and he gives me guidance on how
things work the British way, I may not always like it or agree with how
things are supposed to be done, but I do live here and have to fit in
at least to some extent!
Thank you Daniela for sharing your story. For more stories, get your copy of  Bringing Up Brits

Please, if you have a story to share, .