It’s nice to be friendly, but I don’t know you
On the first really sunny and warm day this May, I overheard a brief conversation when I was in the post office. Two strangers were talking about how nice the weather was that day, they made comments about the warmth and how everyone seemed happier when the sun came out, spirits were lifted by the change in the weather from cold and rainy to warm and sunny. And because everyone was happier, they were more friendly towards each other. I wish the sun made an appearance much more than it does in this country. Especially when I first moved, here – it was the rainiest few years of my life. I wonder if British people would be different if it was sunny and hot here 80% of the time instead of 10% of the time – would people be more friendly and open? Would strangers feel it appropriate to talk to each other and feel comfortable about doing so? Many of our neighbors keep themselves to themselves which is fine but I find it amusing when they don’t even make eye contact with me or smile back when I smile at them. They just hustle and bustle into their homes with their heads down. It’s like I can feel their anxiety at the possibility of having to acknowledge me at all when we often see each other going into our houses or cars. Or perhaps they don’t realise I am a neighbor because they don’t make eye contact with people. Not all our neighbors are like this, thank goodness, but the majority are. One time I was walking down the road and I saw some neighbors, a young family, come out of their house (3 doors down from us) and as I approached them, with a smiling face and friendly expression, they looked at me (with the same experession that deer have when they are caught in a car’s headlights) and they promptly crossed street and totally ignored me. At the time, it felt like a snub, but perhaps they were too engrossed in what they were doing to notice me. I can’t remember if it was a sunny day or not.
I feel I need to to mimick this type of behaviour. If people are not friendly, then you tend to do the same – to fit in. This is the way people are here so I’ll just do the same. When we were in the States recently, it was sunny and hot every day. People you passed on the street nodded to each other making eye contact, smiled, said hi and even stopped to chat with each other. People seemed more smiley and, in general, more happy. It made me feel happy being there. It was a breathe of fresh air and the reality check that I needed. It was a reminder that I am who I am and if I want to smile at my neighbors or complete strangers and be friendly then I should, no matter what the response. And no matter if it’s a sunny, cold or rainy day.
Over the past few days, with this gorgeous summer weather, I’ve noticed that people have been more friendly and there seems to be a sense of community around – kids playing outside, people commenting to strangers about the great weather, smiling faces and happiness in general. It’s like because it’s hot and sunny, then it’s acceptable to be socialable to people you don’t know. When we first moved onto our street, a neighbor across from us went on the same school run so we would see each other every day, twice a day on the school run. I wanted to introduce myself to her because our kids looked to be a similar age and I didn’t know anyone at all and was keen to meet people who had kids as well for myself and for the sake of my children. One Saturday, I saw her with her family at a nearby park and when we walked past each other, I smiled at her. She just ignored me and didn’t smile back. OK fair enough I supposed. On the following Monday, on the school run, I was walking next to her so I said, ‘Hi there, I’m a neighbor of yours, I just moved in’. She stared at me for a second and then said (and I kidd you not) ‘It’s nice to be friendly, but I don’t know you’. And then continued to walk ahead. I was so stunned, I mean what do you say to that? Nothing, there is nothing to say. She has since apologized, sort of, for saying that to me but we have never become friends. To be honest, I’ve never written about that experience before now, probably because I’m embarrassed and, at the time, was hurt by it.
Perhaps it’s all down to the weather and that’s all there is to it and we should enjoy this hot weather while we have it and now is the time to make friends and be friendly to people because we’ll more likely have a positive experience instead of a negative one.
I think when I move back to the UK people will think I’m crazy. I love the American way of talking to people, it’s so much nicer! When I first moved out to the US I was taking a walk in the park and an old man walked past and said “good morning” to me. I panicked and thought for sure he was going to stalk me and kill me – when I told my husband he said, no, that’s just the way Americans are – friendly. I will be friendly when I move back and see what happens, probably just a lot of blank looks… oh well. I feel your pain.
That’s very funny. The thought never occurred to me that people might think I’m a serial killer but maybe that’s what the problem has been all along! Thank you for posting and for offering me some insight.
I’m not entirely sure how I stumbled across this blog, but anyway! I’m sorry you think brits are unfriendly but- i have to ask, where are you living? I don’t know much about living in urban England, but i know the countryside is just how you described the states. oddly enough, i always kind of thought of that as the english way… although i only had belgium and france to compare to, i suppose.
trust me though, go to a village in, say, kent, and you’ll find everyone greets each other, whatever the weather. i know a teenager who takes it as far as striking up conversations with any stranger she rides by, and wishing them a good walk or ride or whatever it is they’re doing. most people will just say good morning though.
Hi Sophie, thanks for posting. I agree with you, if you are walking in the countryside or up a steep hill, then people will say hi and greet one another. It’s like that rule – when you are on a boat, you have to wave at people. I don’t think English people are unfriendly – once you get to know them. It’s just that initial frostiness that I’m referring to. Of course there are always exceptions and I’ve met English people who are very friendly even though they didn’t know me. This blog is about my personal experience. Others may have different experiences and of course it does make a difference where you live as well. It is a fact though, I think, that initially, British people do not appear to be very friendly if they do not know you. I wish I lived where you live!
I used to live in England so I can give you an accurate idea of why they act like that.
It is the way they are brought up to be by their parents and society. They are insular and a little bit clique in a way because you have to know them for a long time or know their friend so they will talk to you but sometimes that isn’t a 100%. I don’t want to be mean or bash them but that is what I have seen.
It also comes down to their supposed feeling of superiority compared to other people and the feeling of not having to talk to you due to the class system and social differences. They like to be around people like themselves and don’t like much difference.
But the main problem with this is that in school, college, work or whenever they want to meet someone new they get left out or find it hard to make new friends and struggle compared to other more outgoing, cheerful and friendly nationalities. I went to an English school and every new person that joined would come straight to me and be my friend because I was friendly and open and so did every foreigner and immigrant. The English like to keep to themselves and usually end up isolating themselves compared to the rest of the world sadly.
I have known lots of English people that wanted to get to know me or talk to me but having to conform to what others were doing and trying not to act out of character or what society expects them to be discouraged them from trying. Too many rules in society stops people from being themselves as well.
A little bit sad really considering I am American and can go anywhere in America and chat to anyone, get jobs, get invited to parties or whatever by just being friendly and laid back. They are too rigid, forced to follow too many social rules and have no freedom to be themselves.
Sorry but that is what I have seen and feel.
Hi Jason, thanks for your comments. How long did you live in England for? I found your comments to be very true when I first moved here and for the first few years. However, now, it seems different and British people seem more open and friendly. Not all of them of course!! And perhaps it’s partly because I am so used to it now. Although my daughter does comment on how different the people are in America compared to here. She says ‘they are much more friendly in America and you talk to people out on the street’.
I notice that people mention ” I lived in Britain/England” etc but never say where about’s in England. I am English and have to say that I am from Leeds Yorkshire and the Yorkshire people are very friendly i have lived down the south of England and found the people here to be difficult to befriend though not all. Culture in England is changing and no wonder nothing is the same as it used to be, I myself look around and wonder what the hell is going on but it is not only with Britain it is the same with other countries and cultures things have changed so much attitudes ways respect all going out of the widow, with each new generation there are new and different ways. The younger have no respect for the elders manners are almost depleted but again the same as other countries. i have lived in Germany loved the country and found that it was important to accept their culture and respect their culture as it was the only way to make things work for myself. In Holland too the same accept and respect their ways and blend my own ways in too. The same with Denmark a lovely country the people are polite like going back 30yrs but they are a very private and family orientated people something we could all learn from family first.. I guess what i am trying to say is that when you move to a new country expect differences and ways and respect it, once you do this then you can move on. Again don’t judge all brit’s with the same tarred brush because as in your home lands you have the friendly the not so friendly the offstandish people the straight forward people. Yorkshire people as I said earlier are very friendly but can be straight forward I can be like this but there is no animosity behind it. I say what I think and feel better than lie’s. I do watch the youth and the way some of them behave and feel ashamed no manners rude swearing as if they have not been brought up correctly drunken idiots again all of this is the same as many other countries and cultures. So before slagging off a culture take a good look at your own country see what is going on how people behave not only in the area you live either but the rest of your country then make judgement’s . At the end of the day we are all the same.
Hi Amanda, thanks for your comments. I don’t think anyone is slagging off any countries. We are just going through the process of integrating, making friends and trying to understand our new countries/cultures. I have lived in 3 different countries and have loved and respected many many things about those countries and the people. It’s great to be open minded, to be accepting and to try and understand the other person’s viewpoint. That’s what this blog is all about! Helping people to connect and to broaden horizons. I have lived here for over 14 years and feel more in tune with the British and feel this is my home country now, especially since all my children were born here. I lived in Nottingham and then in Worthing. Both very different places with different people. I can’t say where others have lived in and around England, just about my own experiences.
I have a had a very long and painful experience with the English. I am not sure about the Welsh, Scottish or Irish.
I personally knew tons of people during my childhood, all the way through to my teenage years. They are mostly hypocrites. When they want to talk to you for something, it is fine but when you want to talk to them they get rude. Everything is about who you know, social class and building close knit cliques that think all the same.
There is no need for a community, meeting new people or welcoming neighbors because the English assume that you already have friends and that is it. It is very cold, hypocritical and backwards. Also incredibly insular and selfish. Over the 10 or so years of being in England i maintained the same friends, all were not English. They work on a selfish and uncaring attitude. If you are not in my close circle then you are not important. Hypocrisy if you ask me. English people meet friends through other English people. I know lots of them but they would never invite me out or introduce me to their friends. Snobs and very arrogant. They want other people on the side when they get bored but maintain their main group. Their culture stinks like a rotten egg and follow no clear guidelines. They make it up as they go along and everything is circled around themselves.
It is a different matter when they want a boyfriend or girlfriend outside their main group. Then they will be more outgoing and friendly.
I have seen thousands of them ignore genuine good people but will go and talk to who they want for no good reason. They are not nice, genuine and caring people, I have experienced it first hand. There is way more to this. All the prejudices and attitudes they hold cement this kind of behavior.
I am have been to many places around the world. Americans of any nationality, europeans and middle easterns are so caring, warm and friendly. The English lived on an island, seperated from the rest of the world and have foreigner fever. They act like you are a strange person from another planet. The way I see it is that, this is a human being in front of you and you cannot welcome them. I am not super warm but not ice cold. I am a shy person but not inconsiderate or rude. They are a dying nation, their attitude and values get them no where. Other nations have lived side by side for years. All of Europe connected to Asia and links to northern africa, that stretch across half the world, trading and intermixing for centuries.
The English sat on an island on their own for so long and find it very difficult to stray outside of what is normal. Other nations have learned to accept new people and cultures and travel. English people are somewhat small minded.
They are a very sad depressing country that wants to be on their own, so be it. Never think it is you, being friendly and offering a kind gesture if enough. They have many facades and faces.
I am living in a different country and I have gone from zero to hero.
Disclaimer: Not all of them but a large large majority in my experience.
Hi Mr. Bond, I’m really sorry you had such a bad experience living in England. I can see and understand some of what you say, however I have not had such a terrible experience. Yes I’ve come across rude people and have had experiences where people have not been friendly and yes, it does take a long time to make friends here. However, I disagree with much of what you say about people here being small minded and insular to the extent which you describe. Perhaps this was so 30 or 40 years ago, but England is very accepting of other cultures and other people. I have found people here to be very open minded and accepting. Sure, they may express it differently and are more reserved about it, but it is a very liberal and accepting place to live. I totally disagree with it being a sad depressing country. This is just not true. You may meet some sad and depressing individuals who are English, but at the same time, there are many sad and depressing individuals of all nationalities. I have met and know some of the kindest, most generous people here. And many of them are English. Again, I’m really sorry you feel this way about England and I wish you all the best and hope that what I’ve said as a non English person, and what other people say on this blog that is positive about England helps to change your outlook.